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An Inspiration…Not

An Inspiration…Not

I feel the need to put something to rest. It never came up, really, before Dominic, but now it’s like a thing, and I feel like I can’t keep blogging without addressing it.

It’s when people tell me that I’m “an inspiration”. Or that they admire me. Or some version of that same sentiment.

Eeeek. Where do I start?

Hearing that makes me feel like I need to look around for a lightning bolt from heaven.

I mostly started hearing it after I began my blog.

I write, because writing helps me process. It helps me work through my grief and my issues and it helps me to discern what the Lord is doing in my life. I’ve written, in journals, my entire life. It’s only since Dominic that I’ve put it “out there” for other people to read, and only because I felt the Lord leading me to do so, in hopes that my crazy ramblings and bumpy life journey might help people. I only share it, under the prayer that somehow, God will speak through it and use it to bring people to Him.

But when I hear people tell me that I inspire them, or that they look up to me, I start to feel like maybe I’ve made a mistake. That putting my thoughts out there in cyberworld just leads people to pay more attention to me instead of Him. And that’s the exact opposite of what I want to accomplish.

And I’m not an inspiration. Please trust me on this.

My writings are the best of me – the me that is most attuned to the Lord’s voice and the Lord’s work. He speaks to me and reveals things to me through my writing. But when I’m not writing, it’s just…me. Sinful, intense, self-centered me. And, I assure you, a much larger percentage of my life is the non-writing me.

Please don’t be fooled.

And don’t admire me.

The reality is that I am demanding. And bossy. And I always think I’m right. I’m not very patient with my children (or anybody, for that matter) and, in spite of the fact that I’m a homeschooler, it’s like pulling teeth for me to actually do some creative project with them. I nag at my husband and give him a hard time about stupid things like smacking his lips when he eats. I hate to cook, and I eat way too many desserts. If it wouldn’t mean the end of my marriage to my, shall we say, organization-minded spouse, I would keep my car looking like a total pig sty, as long as it ran fine. I struggle with depression and tend to be a “glass half empty” kind of gal – keeping perspective is a constant challenge for me. And I complain. A lot, according to my other half, although I’m working on that.

Put it this way: Our counselor says I’m “law” and my husband is “grace”. (And, yes, I highly recommend that every married couple go to counseling at some point, just so you can shake your lives up a bit). And he’s right. I’m what my darling man calls “Justice Girl” – I live by strict rules and expect everybody else to do the same. I am obsessive about causes that matter to me. I tend to focus more on tasks than on people, and one of my greatest pet peeves is people who are late. I even actually get annoyed that our dog – the sweetest Golden Retriever on earth – is so submissive.

Just to be clear: It’s not a pretty picture. I am not Michelle Duggar. (To be honest, I wonder sometimes if even Michelle Duggar is Michelle Duggar). I am a mess in progress that has been claimed (thankfully) by grace. And if it weren’t for that, I’d just be…a mess.

The reality of who I am is not, apparently, what it appears from what I write. What I write is what God puts inside me. Truly. He will sometimes keep me up until around 2 a.m. because He puts things in my head that He wants me to write. Sometimes I go back and read what I’ve written and think, “Yeah, Rebecca, you should be that.” And I really, really do try. But I fail. A lot.

The truth is that anyone who is inspired by me will eventually be let down. I can’t live up to any admiration or any inspiration or any good anything. So don’t look up to me, because you will be disappointed. Every time I hear someone say “You’re an inspiration”, I feel a little like the Wizard behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, just waiting for someone to yank open the fabric and reveal the truth. And I’m afraid, when that happens, that those who see the truth will be drawn away from the One that I write so much about.

I so identify with Paul: “So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind… Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:21-25).

So I just want to clarify now, for the record…I am not one to admire. I am not an inspiration, nor do I desire to be. Because anything that anyone sees in me that is admirable or worthy of inspiration –

It’s not me. It’s Him.

The One who is loving and patient and compassionate and kind. The One who is full of grace and who gives me grace. Anything admirable anyone sees in me is just the little part of me that the Lord actually claims, amidst continually warring forces of sin. And, unlike me, He won’t disappoint.

So…I’m just setting the record straight right now. I am a hypocrite. I’m a daily walking sin-disaster who is guaranteed to go against everything I write about and say I want to be, at some point. I don’t want to, I don’t intend to, but I will. Because I’m human and so very, very far from holy. But I have gotten one thing right, and that’s a determination to let the Lord have His way with cleaning the mess that is me. That’s the only thing I’ll claim – a true, crazy love for my Lord and a passionate desire to experience Him more and become more like Him.

Him. It’s all about Him. “…For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).”

Don’t admire me.

Admire the One who is any good that is inside of me. Because, if you let Him have control, He will start putting His “good” inside of you, too.

And then, maybe, we can all be truly inspired.

2 Responses to “An Inspiration…Not”

  1. Ruth says:

    Writing is certainly a catharsis and your self revelations reveal a willingness to change. Sometimes I think that’s what God seeks. Just a willingness to work toward becoming more Christlike. The miracle is that He uses us in spite of ourselves, isn’t it?! Hang in there because you are not alone in your turmoil. It’s a daily battle within to speak and do the right things.

  2. Melissa says:

    Ahhhh. But it is through you that we grow to understand Him and since you were courageous enough to answer His call and put your writings “out there” , for that, you are an inspiration. 🙂

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