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5 Years Later

5 Years Later

Sometimes I feel I have lived a lifetime in the past five years. My life, in every respect, has two distinct parts: before Dominic and after Dominic. The “after Dominic” part has, without a doubt, included the most profound suffering, pain, and devastation I have ever experienced. I have hated it, fought against it, been […]

The Next Chapter I Haven’t Wanted

The Next Chapter I Haven’t Wanted

So far 2016 has not been kind. No, 2016 hasn’t resulted in a pregnancy (yes, I do realize that at 41 I should be long beyond even hoping for it). It has, however, brought the loss of two of my best friends within a three-week time span, whose husbands’ jobs moved them to two different […]

Grief 301: Scrapbooking and The Lord’s Next Plan For Me

Grief 301: Scrapbooking and The Lord’s Next Plan For Me

It is almost 2016, and it has been months since I have blogged. The past few months have been a slow, laborious process of doing grief work – but not so much over Dominic. I have realized that this past year the greatest portion of my grief has not been so much over the children […]

How The Last 3 Years Have Changed Me

How The Last 3 Years Have Changed Me

It has been a month of tears. I’ve had just enough time to get past the 17th – the due date for the child I lost in miscarriage – to start emotionally preparing for the 31st. I can’t believe he would have been 3 years old. We would know if all that hair turned out […]

July and the Fulfiller of Desires

July and the Fulfiller of Desires

I hate July. July 31st was the day Dominic was born – the child I lost. Today, July 17th, was the day my most recent baby was supposed to be born – the one I lost in miscarriage. Instead of giving birth to the child for which I have longed, I am relegating the baby […]

Over the Hill, Not Empty-handed

Over the Hill, Not Empty-handed

I’ve passed the threshold. No, it’s not the “over the hill” mark, although it certainly is that, too. This birthday has marked a new place in my life that I never thought I’d reach – The age of 40 without any more children. Since Dominic, I’ve just known, somewhere deep, that I would have more […]

On Turning 40

On Turning 40

I asked it, the question: What is the measure of a year? A birth, a death…pointing beyond the here And now, but now I ask again, wondering anew… This time, though different, moving through From one year to many, 40 to be exact Half a life or so, time for purpose to be intact.   […]

A Promise, A Blessing, or Neither?

A Promise, A Blessing, or Neither?

It has been haunting me, the question: “If I could get it wrong, after so much effort and time and energy and care, how can I ever hear His voice in my life?” And, then: “If I can’t hear His voice, how can I make it?” Living Without My Oxygen Hearing God’s voice was what […]

Self-Centered Sufferer

Self-Centered Sufferer

I am really self-centered. No matter how much I claim I love my Lord, no matter how much I seek Him and pray and read His Word, no matter how much I endeavor to serve and minister and share His truths… The truth is that I really love myself more. You know how I know? […]

Perspective

Perspective

The week prior to Christmas was a hard one. Yep, still here without a baby. And this miscarriage isn’t even completely over, yet. And, yep, it’s completely miserable just waiting for it to end, so I can move on. I’ve done a lot of not much but crying and searching. I’ve been through many days […]

The Sacrifice of the Christmas Promise

The Sacrifice of the Christmas Promise

How many Christmases, with the world focused on the baby who came into the world, am I going to be blogging about losing a baby? Ughhhhh. So I’ve been doing a whole lot of praying and listening and talking with God and a whole lot of processing and writing (well, actually, those are never mutually […]

Angry

Angry

You know all those stages of grief? Yeah, well I am fully, completely in the stage of ANGER.   It’s Different This Time I didn’t really get here, with Dominic. First of all, I never expected him to live – maybe that was God’s grace to me, I don’t know – but I didn’t have […]

The Blue Ridge Women’s Center After Knowing

The Blue Ridge Women’s Center After Knowing

I am bursting out of my skin with excitement.  There are times, early in the morning and in the evening, when I just lie in bed doing nothing but thinking about the reality that we are having more children, and talking to the Lord about it. Well, let’s be honest. It’s more like vacillating between […]

Losing, Again

Losing, Again

I was wrong. Devastatingly wrong. There is no baby – It is definitely a miscarriage. Remember that critical part of the Miraculous-Hear-Correctly-and-Obey Faith Building Plan, hearing correctly? Yeah, well, apparently I didn’t. And, instead, we seem to be on the Rebecca-is-Humbled plan. Not sure how faith-building this plan is, but it definitely makes it clear […]

The Miraculous Hear-Correctly-and-Obey Faith-Building Plan

The Miraculous Hear-Correctly-and-Obey Faith-Building Plan

The Lord had told me, over and over again, through this pregnancy, to trust Him. To hope in Him. To have faith that He is the Truth, not what I see. This has been a true battle – a war in my soul. To keep looking at mounting physical evidence and deny that its logical […]

Physical Proof? Or Proof Of His Presence?

Physical Proof? Or Proof Of His Presence?

Wanting Physical Proof   I have two weeks to wait for another ultrasound. Two weeks to find out: Am I going to receive the desire of my heart, or am I going to experience the second greatest heartbreak of my life? But, see, even those very questions – they put faith in where we all […]

It’s Not Good News

It’s Not Good News

I finally got into the doctor today – after 5 days of bleeding. If you’re going to start bleeding big time from your pregnancy, the day before the Thanksgiving holiday is not the day to do it. Just sayin’. I got an ultrasound, and the news wasn’t conclusive, but neither was it good. They were […]

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

The Earth Is Trembling I am bleeding. I don’t even care that that’s TMI, because right now there are just too many more important things going on in my world than whether or not I am following guidelines of decorum. I have been bleeding for two days, and I don’t mean just a little spotting. […]

Quitting the Masquerade

Quitting the Masquerade

Dominic has changed me in ways that I am still only discovering. One of those ways, I have learned, is my ability to be around people. Interaction with people over a long period of time tires me out, now. I also feel more protective of my time; I want my moments to count, and I […]

God’s Promise To Me

God’s Promise To Me

It has taken a while for the reality to sink in; to believe that it’s really, truly, real… We are going to have more children. I kept one of the pregnancy tests (yeah, there were a bunch of them) out on the bathroom counter for about a week, just because I’ve dreamed about having a […]

Thankful Doesn’t Begin To Describe It

Thankful Doesn’t Begin To Describe It

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind” (Psalm 107). It is hard to know where to begin, this Thanksgiving, in gratitude to my Lord for the blessings of this past year. Do I start with my husband’s promotion? My beautiful new home? The fact that […]

The Lord’s Next Chapter For Us

The Lord’s Next Chapter For Us

The Lord tells us, clearly, that in this world, “you will have trouble”. He tells us to “count the cost” and warns us that following Him means carrying our cross and denying ourselves and suffering. Scripture makes it clear that this world is “in bondage to decay”, that sin and pain and death are part […]

Life Is Happening Here

Life Is Happening Here

I felt the Lord tugging me to it even before Dominic was born. Years ago, a friend from church shared about her experience working as a counselor for the Blue Ridge Women’s Center – Roanoke’s pro-life ministry to women with (planned and) unplanned pregnancies. The more she spoke, the more I knew I wanted to […]

Renovation

Renovation

It’s been months since I’ve written. The first year and a half after Dominic’s death were consumed with the need to document, to process, to wrestle with the feelings, thoughts, and realities that permeated my world after the loss of my son. It was an all-encompassing, obsessive drive to pound on the door of heaven […]

Surprised by Joy

Surprised by Joy

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. And, you know what? That’s a really good thing. Writing has been a light in the tunnel, a path through the storm, these past 18 months.  It is putting words to page that has been the anchor to connect me to God’s purpose and goodness in the […]

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