See Luminosity

Confused

Confused

It’s a new year. That thought is a little scary to me, to be honest. The snarky comment keeps rearing up in my head, “What child are we going to lose THIS year?”

In spite of the specter of death, again, that loomed over our holiday, I am thankful for these days of no responsibility and relaxing with my people. We shopped, we rested, we watched movies, we skied, and I needed that time with my family. To be reminded that I DO have family left.

But vacation is over. And that means I’ve got to get out of my world of grief and introspection and move forward with being a wife and mother and teacher and…whatever else I am.  Writer? Reader? Bible-studier? Bathroom cleaner? I don’t know. I struggle, under regular circumstances, to do those things effectively; in fact, I spend most of the time feeling like I don’t do any of it very well. But now? With THE WEIGHT back on my shoulders?

SIGH. I find myself just wanting to go to sleep, a lot.

So, where am I, after all of this?

The answer is…confused. Confused and sad.

I continue searching scripture and questioning the Lord about how, where I got it wrong. But the trouble is, since I DID get it wrong, I can no longer trust words that I think I hear from Him on the subject.

My scripture readings over the past two weeks are similar to those I have gotten for two years, with the theme of hope and trust. Some examples:

“I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and courageous.
Wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27)

And Hebrews 6:

“For when God made a promise to Abraham, since He had no one greater to swear by, He swore by Himself:

14 I will indeed bless you,
and I will greatly multiply you.

15 And so, after waiting patiently, Abraham obtained the promise.”

 

I wanted to throw the Bible.

 

No More Words About Hope

It angers me that I don’t know what to do with any words about hope, now. Anything I read or hear that tells me to hope I feel like I have to discard, because I’ve already been proven a fool. But then discounting His words makes me lose touch with my Lord…because those are the words that I’m getting from Him!

I am so confused and frustrated and fearful of anything resembling hope. It’s like every time I read a passage related to hoping or trusting Him, I add in my mind to the end, “for the reward I will receive in HEAVEN, not here”. Yet I know, and have experienced many times in the past, that His Words are more specific than that – yes, He gives us hope for the future in eternal life, but He also gives us hope while we are here, on earth.

But, to be completely honest, I’m just tired of hope. Every word of hope prevents me from engaging fully in the life I have in the present. It sucks me into the future – the place of babies – where I shouldn’t be. Every word about trusting him thrusts me more into the idolatry of baby longing and baby focusing, and I don’t want to be there anymore, nor do I think I SHOULD be there anymore. I have two beautiful children who need me to be fully present with them, not eternally thinking about, hoping for, planning for, fantasizing about children I do not have.

So herein lies the irony: the more I listen to Words I think I’m getting from Him, the more I’m drawn AWAY from the present, where He is working. And the more I hope and trust in a promise He may have for me, the less I am able to engage in the reality he has already given me. Yet the more I try to ignore or discount words of hope and trust I seem to keep getting from him, the more I am drawn away from HIM.

It’s like a catch-22 of the worst kind. There is no winning.

I want to be present, here. With Him, with my children, with my husband. And I want to hear Him. So if He would just stop giving me Words about hoping and trusting, I could move forward. Give me words about repentance – I need those. Give me words about forgiveness – need those too. Give me words about being patient or more loving or more humble…those couldn’t be more apropos.

Just NO MORE WORDS ABOUT HOPE.

I want to scream the words of the Shunammite woman from 2 Kings 4:

“Did I ask you for a son, my lord?” she said. “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Don’t raise my hopes’?”

Yeah. Hope hurts.

Healing the Lameness

I’ve got a lot to work through, still, with my Lord. I want answers and clarity now, but it is clear that much of this will only be revealed through time.

Psalm 97:2 says, “Clouds and thick darkness surround Him” – and that is just what I am feeling. I feel lost in this murkiness between me and God…Is it because of my incessant desire? My own sin? I know He is there, and I know He is speaking, but I cannot seem to see or hear through it well enough to know where to go from here with all of this – with my longing, with my hope, with my confusion and shame at being wrong, with my inability to hear Him correctly.

So I wait. And continue doing what I know He has already given me responsibility to do: love my husband, teach my children, serve women who face unplanned pregnancies…yes, even that. Why? Because of the second part of that same verse Psalm 97:2: “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne.”

He can’t do something unjust. He is incapable of doing anything but what is perfect and right and good.

For me.

For my family.

For everyone.

Even though I’m not sure of His words to me, right now, about this, and I don’t know what to do with this longing and this infernal hope that continues to well within me – I will stay the course. I will love Him and worship Him and praise Him for my blessings and be honest about my fears and my anger and I will trust that whatever plan this ends up being for us will be exactly what we need.

AIR: In through the nose, out through the mouth.

I remember, as I wade through this time of confusion and sadness, “He rewards those who seek Him.” (Hebrews 11:6). Even if we don’t exactly find Him correctly. I remember that He says, “Keep asking and it will be given to you; keep searching, and you will find; keep knocking and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Luke 11)

I will continue asking and searching and knocking. Even if I don’t get a baby, I must trust (gulp) that I will get something better. Honestly, at this point, I can’t really figure out what that could be, but that’s why this is a journey of faith, and not knowledge.

“So don’t throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you need endurance, so that after you have done God’s will, you may receive what was promised…But my righteous one will live by faith; and if he draws back, I have no pleasure in him. But we are not those who draw back and are destroyed, but those who have faith and obtain life.” (Hebrews 10)

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11).

“Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed instead.” (Hebrews 12:12)

I will not be one who draws back. I don’t know what lameness there is in me that He sees right now, but I must stay the course until it gets healed – whatever it takes for Him to do it.

 

 

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