See Luminosity

It’s Not Good News

It’s Not Good News

I finally got into the doctor today – after 5 days of bleeding. If you’re going to start bleeding big time from your pregnancy, the day before the Thanksgiving holiday is not the day to do it.

Just sayin’.

I got an ultrasound, and the news wasn’t conclusive, but neither was it good. They were able to see a gestational sac, but couldn’t tell if it was from a viable pregnancy or from the end of a miscarriage. Apparently, if I am still pregnant, I am not as far along as I was thinking – which is why the ultrasound couldn’t tell us much.

They took blood. And I have to come back in two days to see if my HCG levels have doubled. If they have, that’s a good sign. If they haven’t…well, apparently I have some spiritual reevaluating to do on my “words” from the Lord.

The doctor said that if he were a bettting man, he would bet that this is going to be “a loss”. That is really kind, compassionate doctor speak for, “You are going to have another child die”.

It has been a very, very difficult day. It has been a day of crying and searching and wondering if I have gotten it all wrong. It has been a day of praying and questioning and sleeping out of total emotional exhaustion. It has been a day of searching for His words, and then slamming the Bible shut in angry resignation that I shouldn’t even bother trying to hear His voice, because I suck at it. It has been a day of pain – a day that brings me back to many, many similar ones in the past two years.

I was hoping the pain was over, at least for a good while.

But don’t we all? Don’t we all just hope that we can finally reach some place where things will be good, where the problems we’re dealing with will be solved, where the hurt will be assuaged?

It’s not going to happen, in this life. I know that, but I have to say, I thought I was going to be able to revel in the joy moments just a bit longer than this.

I’m not sure where this leaves us. We don’t have the final word, yet, and that means there is still hope. I do believe the outlook is bleak, however. This pregnancy is now firmly in the realm of, “The Lord’s going to have to pull out a God-thing for us to end up with a healthy baby”. We spent the evening over dinner having to answer the girls’ questions, while struggling with our own: “Is the baby going to die?” “Why would God have us get pregnant just to let it die again?” and then just, “I don’t want to go through this again”.

No, I don’t either.

I am just weary. Worn out from hoping and waiting and searching. Exhausted from this journey. I love my Lord, and I trust Him, but I am just tired. In the good moments I look upon His face and I rely on His strength and I trust the Lord who has brought life out of death so many times in my life. But in the bad moments I chastise myself for ever thinking I had a promise from Him at all – for succumbing to the temptation to assign as words from Him longings of my own grieving soul.

In the really bad moments, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

When all else fails, I go back to scripture. Those words in my devotion today (2 Corinthians 4):

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God….God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I really, really, want to trust Him. I don’t know what is going to happen here; where this is going to end up. But I do know that my God is good, He loves me, and He is with me. Today, as my faith stumbles and I weep and struggle against fear and pain, that will have to be enough.

 

 

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