See Luminosity

Physical Proof? Or Proof Of His Presence?

Physical Proof? Or Proof Of His Presence?

Wanting Physical Proof

 

I have two weeks to wait for another ultrasound.

Two weeks to find out: Am I going to receive the desire of my heart, or am I going to experience the second greatest heartbreak of my life?

But, see, even those very questions – they put faith in where we all put our faith: physical proof. And this journey, the Lord keeps showing me, is about putting my faith in Him in spite of the physical evidence.

So why do I long so much for the ultrasound to say, “I hear a perfect heartbeat!”?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

There are many moments when I have perfect peace about this pregnancy. When I know, without a doubt, that He is protecting the life within me, and that He is doing something amazing with this whole experience. But two weeks is a long time, when you struggle with faith from one moment to the next. And there are plenty of moments when I feel terrified and just want some sort of physical proof that my baby is ok.

Or babies. Because my youngest child has been praying for that for more than two years. And when you’re on the edge of faith anyway, why not go all out?

“Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then I will be confident.

For in the day of trouble

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent

and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, Lord, I will seek.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27)

My “army”, the “enemy”, in my case, is death. And I am praying that I will see Him be victorious over it.

 

Craving His Word

One of the things this waiting is cementing for me, yet again, is just how much I love God’s Word. This didn’t used to be the case for me – I remember many younger years struggling with devotion times, reading scripture out of nothing but pure self-discipline. I also remember praying for a love of scripture, when I didn’t possess it.

Through the hardships of the past few years, the Lord has granted that request.

Not only do I not struggle to spend time in His Word, anymore – I can’t live without it. I do not say that in some I-am-the-pious-Bible-reader way, but rather as one battered and beaten claims she cannot live without the medicine that keeps her alive. Scripture, in my younger years, was a struggle only because I had not yet learned that through it God speaks to me directly. In a practical sense, it was, back then, simply words about God, and my response to it was similar to that of a History textbook: important reading but something you have to make yourself do because you know it’s good for you. Although I knew it was God’s direct words to us, I hadn’t experienced it. And it is the experience of God speaking through His Word that brought me to love it. Once I figured it out…

Well, who wouldn’t die for a lifeline to the Creator of the universe with personal words for her?

Scripture is rich, beautiful, difficult, comforting, convicting, astounding, simple and complex…it is God’s revelation of Himself to us. I never tire of peeling new layers back, of discovering astonishing truths that I have never before seen in passages I have read thousands of times. I am riveted by the cohesive thread of God’s holiness and love woven throughout both the Old Testament and the New. I continue to be amazed by the intricacy of the Lord’s plan and provision for His people, and the incredible lengths to which He has gone and continues to go to bring us to Himself. I stand in awe of the truths that scripture reveals about the way life works best, and how reality continues to  play out the veracity of those truths over and over again.

“No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory… The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 13 This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. 14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. 15 The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, 16 for,“Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” (1 Corinthians 2)

There is His general revelation in scripture, in which I get to know the nature and intent of my Lord. But then there is also His personal revelation to me – those intimate, specific Words He gives me that directly address something in my own individual life at the moment.

Before now, I have received personal Words from Him related to sin in my life, to steps of faith He wanted to me to take in my career, to people He wanted me to forgive, to blog articles He has wanted me to write, to name just a few areas. But most recently, I’ve received many of these Words about this pregnancy.

And that has opened a whole, new world of knowing Him: This is the first time He has given me Words, not about a step He wanted me to take or about an assignment He willed for me to do, but about a gift He is giving me. But He wants me to trust Him enough to know that I really will receive it, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.

Every gift from Him requires opening up to His grace to receive it. And opening up to His grace requires exchanging control for faith.

 

Proof of His Presence

The Lord not only has given me Words, time and time again, about this pregnancy, but He has shown Himself present with me in other ways as well. One of those occurred on the day of my doctor’s appointment – the day the doctor said that if he were a betting man, he would bet that we were going to lose this baby.

My husband and I went to a restaurant to eat, after the appointment. Because, what else do you do when you’ve just gotten news that you might lose the blessing you’ve prayed for desperately for years?

We sat down and the waitress came over and took our drink orders. I didn’t know her; I vaguely remember seeing her when we had come previously to this restaurant (it is a place we have come a number of times), but I had no personal connection with her in any way. However, when she came back to the table, she asked me, “Are you Bob Moore’s daughter?” Surprised, I acknowledged that I was, and she said something kind about my Dad. I had no idea how she could have known me, or connected me with my father, but I didn’t think anything more about the interaction, steeped as I was in my own world of possibly-losing-this-pregnancy. She did not linger at our table; she delivered our items and left us alone, nor did she hear any of our conversation.

We finished our lunch, paid the bill, and then headed for the door. But just before we walked out, that same waitress came up to me, looked at me with eyes of compassion, and said, in a voice choked with sudden emotion, “Can I give you a hug?” She then leaned in and embraced me, for more than a few seconds, and whispered…

“From one grieving mother to another”.

We pulled apart, both with tears in our eyes, and I managed a weepy “Thank you” – not even sure what had just happened.

As I got in the car, and later, as I began processing the day’s events (and the Lord’s Words of hope to me about this pregnancy), I was astounded. How did she know me? How did she know my story? There was no possible way she could have known what had happened with us that day – only a handful of friends and family members knew anything about what was going on, and I hadn’t even shared the results of the doctor’s appointment with anyone, yet.

I realized that, inexplicably, out of His grace, He had put this woman in my path. That He had orchestrated a waitress being in the restaurant we happened to choose to dine in that day, who somehow knew something about my story, and put in her heart to reach out to me when I was hurting – with the comfort only someone who has walked a similar path can give. God had used whatever knowledge she had about me and my past grief to perfectly intersect with and touch me in the midst of my current grief – without her even knowing it.

From one grieving mother to another

Or, better – from one Father who has known more grief than I can ever possibly know, to the child He tenderly loves and sustains.

He showed me, on this most devastating of days, that He is with me. Not only in Word, but in presence.

Two weeks is a long time. But, I am not alone. I have His Word, and I have Him.

I am learning, slowly, that those are truly better than any physical proof this world can offer.

 

“In my alarm I had said, ‘I am cut off from your sight’. But you heard the sound of my pleading when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all His faithful ones. The Lord protects the loyal, but fully repays the arrogant. Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.” (Psalm 31).

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *