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Shifting From the Promise to the Present

Shifting From the Promise to the Present

The whole “promise” thing makes me want to scream. I have spent so much time trying to figure out if I have a promise from the Lord about more children, and, if so, how this miscarriage fits into all of it. I have trusted and doubted and given up and castigated myself for being a […]

A Promise, A Blessing, or Neither?

A Promise, A Blessing, or Neither?

It has been haunting me, the question: “If I could get it wrong, after so much effort and time and energy and care, how can I ever hear His voice in my life?” And, then: “If I can’t hear His voice, how can I make it?” Living Without My Oxygen Hearing God’s voice was what […]

Confused

Confused

It’s a new year. That thought is a little scary to me, to be honest. The snarky comment keeps rearing up in my head, “What child are we going to lose THIS year?” In spite of the specter of death, again, that loomed over our holiday, I am thankful for these days of no responsibility […]

Angry

Angry

You know all those stages of grief? Yeah, well I am fully, completely in the stage of ANGER.   It’s Different This Time I didn’t really get here, with Dominic. First of all, I never expected him to live – maybe that was God’s grace to me, I don’t know – but I didn’t have […]

It’s Not Good News

It’s Not Good News

I finally got into the doctor today – after 5 days of bleeding. If you’re going to start bleeding big time from your pregnancy, the day before the Thanksgiving holiday is not the day to do it. Just sayin’. I got an ultrasound, and the news wasn’t conclusive, but neither was it good. They were […]

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

The Earth Is Trembling I am bleeding. I don’t even care that that’s TMI, because right now there are just too many more important things going on in my world than whether or not I am following guidelines of decorum. I have been bleeding for two days, and I don’t mean just a little spotting. […]

To Dominic on Your Birthday: The Measure of a Year

To Dominic on Your Birthday: The Measure of a Year

How do we measure a year? In birthdays. This one – your first – what does it measure? The ways we have loved you, without you, and how we have known pain unimagined, heartbreak, the stone cold hard reality of death at our door. Dreams ripped apart, theology torn Fists to the sky, fallen souls […]

Dominic’s Diaper Genie

Dominic’s Diaper Genie

We are selling our baby stuff. I have kept the diapers that people gave me for Dominic in his closet. Until now. Thinking that we would imminently have more children and I would need them. It’s been a year. For a variety of very important reasons, the Lord has made it clear that we are […]

Grass on a Grave

Grass on a Grave

It has been almost a year since Dominic. In some ways, it seems like it all happened yesterday, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime has passed. A Year of Healing Brokenness One thing that is odd, when you’ve lost someone, is how differently time seems to function. I know time is moving […]

A New Understanding of Easter

A New Understanding of Easter

Easter has always been a time when I have tried to understand. I know the theology: Sin creating a chasm between a holy God and a fallen humanity Sin leading to death by virtue of being the opposite of God (because God is life) Only a perfect God, who was also fully human, in the […]

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