See Luminosity

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

Do You Trust That I Am the Truth?

The Earth Is Trembling

I am bleeding.

I don’t even care that that’s TMI, because right now there are just too many more important things going on in my world than whether or not I am following guidelines of decorum.

I have been bleeding for two days, and I don’t mean just a little spotting. Bright red. Accompanied by cramps.

All indicators point to me having a miscarriage, a fact of which I am completely, devastatingly aware.

I spent most of yesterday seeking the Lord’s face, scouring His word, and searching for direction. Is this pregnancy over? Does He want me to give this incredible, long-awaited gift back to him, again? What I found surprised me – He gave me the words to trust Him. To be at peace, and to rely on the Words He has already given me. Words that we are going to have more children.

I believe He wants me to trust that this pregnancy will be ok.

What, Lord?

This is not a pie-in-the-sky, if-we-pray-hard-enough-God-will-give-us-what-we-want rationalization. I have already lost one child. This is not a refusal to acknowledge what I’m seeing and feeling, physically, or a naive belief that “He wouldn’t possibly put us through another loss”. I know many Christians who have lost so much more than I, and The Lord did not prevent it.  I was fully prepared to never have more children, if that is where The Lord planned to take us, and my devotion to Him will not change if He takes this one from us. I do not have a Disney-cartoon-world sense that “everything will be ok”; in fact, I feel like the evidence is shouting exactly the opposite to me.

Yet I believe He wants me to trust Him, that this pregnancy will be fine.

My devotion, both last night and today, had the same theme: trusting Him who we cannot see, over that which we can. One of my scripture readings last night was in Romans 8: “Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience.” And, just a few verses later, “If God is for us, who is against us? He did not even spare His own Son but offered Him up for us all; how we He not also with Him grant us everything?”

Then, my next devotional passage (from a separate source) was Romans 8:6 – “For the mind-set of the flesh is death, but the mind-set of the Spirit is life and peace.”

And this morning? The passage in my devotional book was Psalm 46: “God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas.”

The earth is trembling and the mountains are toppling, for me. My faith is about to be tested, greatly.

Is He The Truth?

Jesus says, “I am the way, the TRUTH, and the Life”.

What does it mean that He is the Truth?

I think we as Christians tend to boil that down to a generic sense of “Jesus is the right path” or “Jesus Christ is God’s son”. But I believe what Jesus means by “I am the Truth” is much more than these simplistic slogans – something much more on the edge and much…scarier.  I think it is that Jesus being the “Truth” means believing what He says over what our circumstances tell us. That we are to recognize that Truth as defined by Him, and by the spiritual world, trumps the truth we think we see in the physical world. That we are to live in such a relationship with Him that we know when He is speaking to us, and that when we have a Word from Him IT becomes the defining truth by which we orient ourselves, not the reality we perceive around us.

This is what I believe He wants from me, now: for me to trust that He is the Truth of my situation, not what I see.

Really, Lord?

This is where the rubber meets the road in faith; where head beliefs become soul realities. Where faith moves from outside of oneself to inside, where neat and tidy theology meets gritty real life, where biblical stories become personal testimony. This is the walking-out-of-the-boat-onto-the-churning-waves moment where there are only two outcomes, both with life-altering consequences: transcend the laws and confines of this physical world by walking into the arms of Christ and into His world or…

Sink.

The call keeps coming to me, over and over:

Do you trust that I am The Truth?

This is almost unbearably difficult. To look clear incontrovertible evidence in the face and say, “You are not the truth. Jesus is the Truth, and what He has told me trumps what you are showing me” – it is terrifying, on so many levels.

1. First, it requires me to be absolutely certain I did, in fact, hear words from Him. Wishful thinking is not the Truth. Grief-filled longings are not the Truth. Only His Words are the Truth. And I am keenly, painfully aware that my own desires can mitigate my ability to hear Him and His Truth. For me to claim that The Truth from The Lord is that this pregnancy is going to be ok is to put myself, and my faith, on the line – to provide an easy litmus test of my ability to hear His voice. Time will prove this to be either right or wrong.

2. Second, it turns everything we know and understand about our world on its head. We know the physical world – we can see it, hear it, touch it, analyze it, measure it. The physical world gives us some sense of control..it operates by certain laws that are constant, and we are familiar with how to operate within it. But to give the spiritual world precedence over that which we can see? Those are the makings of a lunatic. There is no control. It requires abdicating our familiarity, our comfort, our rationality, to something greater. The line between the psychologically impaired and the spiritually astute is, indeed, very fine.

3. Third, if I am wrong, not only do I provide strong evidence to the fact that I am a psychologically questionable anti-hearer of Christ, but I am left with the devastating reality that we are losing another child. That my soul-longing, thought to be fulfilled, will go unrequited. That the gift from God I thought was the fulfillment of Dominic’s story is, in fact, simply another horrendous sorrow on this painful journey called life. If I am wrong, then our family is moving, yet again, into the incomprehensible world of devastation and suffering. This reality would be difficult if I faced it head on, from the beginning. It will be immeasurably more difficult if I forge the path of insisting it isn’t really happening, and then find out it actually is.

There’s kind of a lot riding on getting this right.

I am scared, not only of losing this pregnancy, but of being wrong about God’s Truth to me. Yet I believe He wants me to trust Him. Even in the fact of having so much to lose by doing so. Especially in the face of having so much to lose.

So I am. God help me, I am – trusting the Truth of your Word to me over the truth of what I see happening before me.

“To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31).

This is me taking the plunge into freedom: Freedom or bust.

 

 

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